


Cold Hands

by jeejaschocolate



Category: B-PROJECT 鼓動 アンビシャス | B-Project: Kodou Ambitious
Genre: Character Study, Childhood Friends, Feels, Friendship/Love, Gender Identity Issues, Holding Hands, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 11:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7713475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeejaschocolate/pseuds/jeejaschocolate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryuuji knows he is really too old to want to hold Tomohisa’s hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cold Hands

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess this is the first B-Project fic on this site. I am so shamefully into this show already. It's like Uta Pri with less coherence, more boys, and more fan service! (I mean, what's not to love?) 
> 
> And obviously after the last episode I had a lot of feelings about these two. KitaKore is the strongest group in B-pro, I feel, and here's why! I love these two together and this is my head canon for their relationship.

Ryuuji knows he is really too old to want to hold Tomohisa’s hand. 

Yes, back when they were kids it was a given. They played together all the time, ran around together (as much as their parents allowed), and showed each other all the special places they liked to go. Ryuuji does not have a memory from back then where he and Tomohisa are _not_ holding hands. 

Meeting Tomohisa was the first time he ever stopped feeling lonely. It was snowing and it was exciting and it was fun… 

And after that, they were always together.

But that was back when he was seven years old! That was then and this is now. They’re idols now, they have a group together, they sing together, they perform together. They’re adults really (well…probably, anyway, although Ryuuji has no idea how to measure his own adulthood). 

Adults—especially two adult men—do not go around holding hands. Anyone could tell you that.

So Ryuuji spends most of his time pretending that he doesn’t want to hold Tomohisa’s hand. He sticks a lollipop in his mouth to avoid any overt conversations (conversations with anyone but Tomohisa are always so difficult). He sings when he has to, performs to the best of his ability. 

In truth, he loves performing. Dressing up and dancing in front of a crowd, all that reinforcing attention. Smiling and showing off for people who want to clap for you, people who “love you” but who don’t really want to look deep inside your heart.

There’s some distance there. It’s easy and it’s good.

After the performing is done though, Ryuuji has to go home. He has to go back to his apartment, eat and sleep, get ready for the next day of being an idol. That’s the hard part: When it’s all over and the only thing left is Ryuuji.

He hates being alone. He hates having to face the world on his own. 

After KitaKore took off, Ryuuji’s sleeping patterns got worse and worse. Sleeping in his own—too large—bed, worrying about the next day, thinking about his father and his mother, thinking about himself and what he needs to do to be better…Ryuuji slept fitfully, never getting any real rest. He also sucks at cooking so he started getting thinner and thinner, not really interested in convenience store yakisoba. 

Once Tomohisa noticed, he put them on a schedule. Ryuuji would stay with him every other night to make sure he was eating and sleeping properly. Tomohisa even showed Ryuuji the schedule he made up, written neatly in a personal planner, paying mind to their own schedules as idols.

He proposed it like it was a question, but he smiled like Ryuuji had already accepted.

“It can be like a sleepover, Ryuuji.” Tomohisa’s eyes were closed behind his impregnable smile, but Ryuuji knows those eyes are shining underneath their lids. “I can make all your favorite foods. Do you still like beef soup?” 

Tomohisa knows he does. It’s the only thing Ryuuji will eat when he’s in a mood. He loves beef soup. The texture of the beef gets so soft and chewy in the broth, and the soup always absorbs the flavor of the meat. It’s simple and good, even if he does leave the vegetables floating in the broth sometimes.

“Eat your vegetables, Ryuuji,” Tomohisa scolds, the first night they’re together following Tomohisa’s careful schedule. The older man is already washing dishes at his sink (something he could easily hire people to do, just like the cooking, but he never does for some reason). 

Ryuuji scoffs and pushes the bowl farther away from him. He digs into his pocket for another lollipop, just to piss off Tomohisa.

“I’m not a little kid,” Ryuuji says back, eyeing the lollipop’s shiny wrapper. He realizes he’s not in the mood for the sugar at the moment, but he’ll eat it anyway to make a point.

“I know.” Tomohisa doesn’t turn around, but Ryuuji knows he’s still smiling. “I know.” 

He says it twice like a second time will make a difference. Ryuuji scowls and sucks his lollipop in agitated silence.

He’s not a little kid anymore. He’s not. 

But Ryuuji remembers being a kid. (Of course he does, doesn’t everybody?) He remembers playing with Tomohisa in the snow outside his parent’s house, ducking away from a party only to find someone close to his age doing the same thing. He remembers seeing Tomohisa for the first time—taller, older, silver hair, sophisticated, kind eyes, so kind—and immediately thinking: I can trust him. He’s good.

He remembers pulling Tomohisa by the hands to come play with him. He remembers how cold his own hands were from building snowmen without gloves, and how warm Tomohisa’s hands were by comparison. 

It’s the first time they’re holding hands and Ryuuji feels like he doesn’t ever want to let go.

It won’t be the last.

“Tomo.” 

Ryuuji is sitting on a bed, Tomohisa is sitting next to him. They’re talking about KitaKore because it’s easy and it’s something they can focus on without having to think about how Ryuuji is in Tomohisa’s apartment, sitting on the older man’s bed. But when the conversation trails off, Ryuuji feels his own defenses starting to wither. He knows where he is, he knows what he’s doing.

It’s what he’s wanted for a long time.

“Tomo,” he says again. Then, without saying anything else, he opens his hand, palm up, resting it in the space between them on the bed. 

Tomohisa knows what he wants. He gently places his own hand on top of Ryuuji’s, cuffing their hands together like when they were kids.

And it feels good. So, so good. Ryuuji’s eyes close and he thinks maybe he can get a good sleep tonight.

But they don’t talk about that during the day. After that it’s back to idol activities and Tomohisa lets Ryuuji do whatever he wants, as always, while the older man handles all the management and leadership roles himself. Ryuuji is grateful for Tomohisa’s intelligence, his skill in leading, his grace…he is grateful (among other things), and he thinks Tomohisa knows. Because the younger man would never come out and say thank you—they’re supposed to be partners, and Ryuuji is not some kid who needs Tomohisa looking out for him. 

…Besides, Tomohisa already knows Ryuuji is thankful. He has to know. They’ve been like this forever. 

It’s not long before Ryuuji stops following the schedule and starts staying at Tomohisa’s place whenever he pleases. Of course, the silver-haired man just lets him, with a kind smile and a neutral question: “What would you like for dinner tonight?” or “Are you ready to head home now, then?” 

Nowadays, with B-Project getting more and more popular by the day, Ryuuji stays with him almost every night. He hasn’t even seen his own apartment in…what, two weeks? Yeah, something like that.

Really, staying together feels good for both of them, and Ryuuji can hardly stand the thought of being alone now. Not now, when the expectations are higher than ever!

Not now, when Ryuuji is starting to feel himself growing older. Not just taller and leaner, not just because of the muscles starting to outline themselves along his stomach and arms (like in a man’s body). No, Ryuuji can feel himself getting older because of the way he thinks. 

He finds himself wanting Tomohisa to wrap him in his arms like when they were little. He dreams about it and wakes up…disoriented. 

He imagines Tomohisa’s hands all the time—soft, large, and warm—and he starts reaching for Tomohisa more and more. Not just at night now when they’re alone together, but even in the day. When they’re taking a break from recording and they’re sitting in the break room. Just the two of them—Tomohisa studiously eating from his bento box and Ryuuji reading a magazine. At these times, Ryuuji will sneak his hand into Tomohisa’s lap. Palm up; searching, waiting. 

And Tomohisa knows what he wants—as always—so he grasps his hand lightly in return. They sit there, like that, holding hands under the table. They can stay like that for the entire break, doing everything else one-handed, without a word passing between them. 

It’s perfect. 

Until they need to go back to work and of course they drop hands then, so that no one can see. (Has Tsubasa seen them holding hands? Ryuuji think she has. But she hasn’t said anything about it, just her large brown eyes always looking around…what is he going to do about her anyway, she’s so unreadable…) 

It’s weird, Ryuuji knows it is. He shouldn’t be holding hands under the table in broad daylight with his older childhood friend, his performance partner. He shouldn’t be sleeping in Tomohisa’s bed at night, hoping that Tomohisa will roll closer to him and fold Ryuuji’s slight body against his longer, solid frame…

He shouldn’t be. They’re not kids, it’s not okay to share a bed anymore. As adults that’s…something else.

But Ryuuji never stops wanting it. And so, they never stop doing it.

He gets jealous of other things Tomohisa is allowed to hold: Water bottles, instruments, shopping bags. Heaven forbid Tomohisa should shake anyone else’s hand—Ryuuji sees red when that happens. (It’s not fair! Ryuuji is not allowed to enjoy Tomohisa’s wonderful, grown-up hands whenever he wants, and he’s the person Tomohisa is closest to! So why should anyone else get to enjoy those hands?)

He thinks Tomohisa knows about his jealousy. Probably, the older man does. But he never mentions it. Just smiles.

Ryuuji always breaks under that smile. He’ll do whatever Tomohisa asks at that point. It’s unfortunate, but it’s all part of this.

Whatever this is.

Honestly, if Ryuuji looks deep into his heart and decides to think (which he hates doing), the younger man knows why he feels this way. He’s always known, it’s always been there.

Tomohisa is the only person Ryuuji can be comfortable around. When they met, Tomohisa probably thought Ryuuji was a girl (he was wearing girl’s clothes, at his mother’s bidding). But when he found out later definitively that Ryuuji was in fact a boy, Tomohisa did not seem shaken (like some people tended to be after they found out the truth). 

“I guess Ryuu-chan is cute in whatever he wears!” 

That’s what Tomohisa said at the time. It made Ryuuji’s younger self blush, it still makes him blush now whenever he thinks about those words.

Ryuuji tells himself he doesn’t want to be cute, he wants to be handsome…but of course, that’s not the whole truth. Being cute is what comes naturally to Ryuuji, everything else feels forced. Ryuuji wishes sometimes that he was a girl, just so that he wouldn’t have to worry about being handsome anymore and everything could be easier. 

But that’s only sometimes. Most of the time, Ryuuji is okay with what he is (and what is he? A man? Or…something else?). Even though he knows that part of him will always be a girl, and that’s ok. Being a girl feels good, it feels safe and easy. (Not that he would ever wear girl’s clothes in public! That’s too weird! Guys don’t do that and Ryuuji wants to be taken seriously like a regular guy!) 

And if he’s wearing a dress sometimes when Tomohisa comes home, the older man doesn’t say anything. He’s used to it. It’s natural for them. Tomohisa will smile and ask his neutral, practical questions. He lets Ryuuji walk around wearing whatever he wants when they’re alone. 

Sometimes that’s even…disappointing. Sometimes (just sometimes) Ryuuji wants Tomohisa to look at him when he’s wearing his pretty dresses. He wants Tomohisa to think he’s cute, to think he’s…attractive like a woman is attractive. When he’s in a suit, in their myriad KitaKore costumes, does Tomohisa think he’s handsome? Handsome like a man? 

Which does Tomohisa like better?

But those thoughts are too confusing. Ryuuji tries to compartmentalize them. It really doesn’t matter what Tomohisa thinks (really, it doesn’t, of course not!), and so Ryuuji goes on wearing suits for work and dresses for comfort. He’ll do whatever he needs to do and that’s just fine. Tomohisa is fine with it.

_“Do you think I’m cute, Tomo?”_

He never asks the question but it’s there, in his head, all the time.

_“Do you think I’m handsome?”_

Yes, those thoughts come to him when he’s alone with Tomohisa. They’re there, screamingly loud in his head sometimes. He usually just puts on his head phones and listens to music to silence them. Shoves a lollipop in his mouth to keep the words from pouring out.

…It’s better that way. Because, if he did say them (even accidentally!) then something would change between them. They wouldn’t be kids anymore, they would be adults at the start of…something.

And that would be different. Dangerous, probably, if Tomohisa doesn’t want anything to change. 

Why should he? Why should either of them want to change? They’re fine just the way they are right now. 

Even if it is…not exactly normal.

So that’s why Ryuuji lets himself hold Tomohisa’s hand whenever he’s dying to feel safe, to feel those strong hands clasped around his own. He lets himself ask for it and he lets himself have it. Because even if it’s weird and probably kind of wrong, at least it’s nothing new. It’s a sign that they’re the same—both of them are—from when they were kids. If they’re holding hands like this then they don’t need to be anything else. They can just follow down the same path they always have. 

Best friends. 

It’s very true that Ryuuji likes this path. It feels good, so that’s fine.

And if he rests his head against Tomohisa’s shoulder sometimes (not every time), trying to immerse himself in the older man’s familiar, wonderful scent…then that’s just something they do. It’s their thing. That’s all. 

“Are your hands cold, Ryuuji?” Tomo asks one night when the weather turns colder. They're in bed together, wrapped underneath layers and layers of blankets, sweaters, and pants. 

“…Yes.” 

So Tomo holds out his hand underneath the blankets. Ryuuji hears the sound, the shifting blankets and sheets. Wordlessly, he feels around until he finds Tomo’s hand. They hold onto each other gently, lacing their fingers together for extra warmth. 

Ryuuji looks outside the window and wonders if it will snow. He suddenly hopes it will. 

…Is he too old for this? Sure, yeah, probably. But this—holding hands underneath a warm blanket—is exactly what he wants in that moment.   

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come on, otome fans, let's make this fandom a thing!!


End file.
